THE RIGHT WAY TO SAY "NO"

One of my Mentors once told me that some of the best decisions we ever made and will ever make are those in which we say "NO". Sometimes, saying "NO" could mean running counter to popular opinions, going against the way things have been done in the past, it could even be perceived as vendetta. People would interpret it in several ways, different from what it actually is. To say the least, people in our culture do not like saying "NO" neither do they like to be told "NO".

In organizations, families, Government establishments, among friends and indeed within any human social interactions, we get to points where we have to bargain, negotiate, strike deals, mediate in crises, make and receive recommendations, make requests, submit budgets and cost quotations, offer approval, and very many other day-to-day activities in which we have to make decisions to either say "YES" or "NO".

When you make or receive business proposals, when you make presentations at committee meetings, when you bid for contracts, when you apply for travel visa or perhaps you are the Consular Official interviewing people for travel visas, even when you meet a beautiful lady and you want to invite her for a date or perhaps you are the lady being asked out for a date, there would be instances when you will have to say NO! to people and there would also be instances when you will be told NO!

Reality is that we will never be able to say YES! to everything that comes our way or else one discovers that everything spirals out of control. Decision making entails a lot of negotiation and give-and–take. You will not always have your way and also, you will not be able to give in to every request made towards you. You will not always be in a win-win situation.

In order for us to say "NO" without being disagreeable or seen as anti-social, we must learn not just what to say "NO" to, but how to say "NO". Knowing how to say "NO" would ensure that we make good decisions and above all retain our good names, good intentions and good relationship with people whom we meet and interact with As much as you learn to be very approachable in your social contracts so also you must learn to say NO!
Here are a few tips to help with this:

1. SAY NO! IF, AND ONLY WHEN YOU MEAN IT. I have a friend who never says YES! to anything until she has first said NO!. It is a very sensitive word and should only be used if it is sincerely meant because, like people say, words are like raw eggs, once it drops can never be gathered again. If you mean to say YES!, you do not need to first say NO! and then say YES! Later. Saying what exactly you mean is a very good way of increasing your credibility. Have you heard the saying that when a lady says NO! to a proposal she actually means you should ask again? I think it is a faulty perception about our ladies anyway. Lack of credibility can destroy the best of interests in any sphere of life. Let your YES! be YES! and your NO! be NO!. If you say NO! you should be ready to back it up with your subsequent actions. It is no use when say NO! and you act YES! Say YES! when you mean to say so, and say NO! when you mean to say so.

2. SAY NO TO IDEAS, NOT INDIVIDUALS. When disagreeing, make sure your argument is against a particular idea, a particular opinion, or a particular mindset. Do not, as a matter of principle, disagree with the "person" of whoever is pushing such ideas. I have witnessed business meetings in which people had differences of opinion and it led to arguments. After one of such meetings, some people stormed away from the board room while some of us still stayed in the lobby to gist. As a matter of fact, I dropped off a lady with whom we stood up against each other at the meeting at home after that meeting. We chatted as if we never argued an hour ago. We remain friends up till now. Whereas, some people on that board are still not on talking terms because of such arguments at meetings. As you marshall your points, make it clear to everyone that there could be a better idea but not necessarily that you are better than the other person. As a matter of fact, you are not likely to be better or superior, you just probably have access to more information than he does, which has helped you to form a seemingly better opinion. Look beyond the person, look to issues and opinions. Do not question people's efficiency, intelligence, abilities and capabilities. It injures their self-esteem and nobody feels good around someone who belittles him/her. You may someday need this fellow's goodwill to get something else more important done. When offers are made to you and you have to say "NO", please do well to reject the offer but not the person making the offer.

3. USE THE RIGHT WORDS. Human beings are not wired to see intentions but rather, we see the actions and in this case we may only infer from the words we hear. People must hear what you are saying and understand it as what it actually means. In order to do this you must be sure to use the right words. On no account must you use words that are derogatory or insulting as you put forward your points. Courtesy demands that you respect whoever you are talking with, age, position, title, wealth, qualification notwithstanding. Bosses and Superiors have to be careful for this. Speaking rightly to your subordinates would ensure that they remain motivated and loyal to your corporate goals. The Good Book says "a soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger". We would do worse than the actual saying "NO" when we do not use the right words. Voice tones, inflexions, loudness and so on would go a long way in determining how favourably your words are accepted. There is an African saying that the same words would either bring out Kolanut from the person spoken to or bring out a sword. We must learn to speak gently, calmly and quietly. No one likes being shouted at. If you want to say "NO", you do not have to shout it to the whole world.

4. DO NOT DELAY, DO IT NOW! There is no point in postponing what you have to do. If you have to say "NO" you do not have to keep it till later. The more you refrain from voicing your disagreement the more it is assumed that you do not have a different opinion from what is being said. Assumptions could be very costly to people and organizations, do not let other people make assumptions about what you stand for. The most dangerous side to be on an argument is neither, but rather on the fence. It is not a sign of agreeableness but a sign of weakness when you find it hard to make up your mind. You must understand that saying "NO" if you have to, does not make you in any way a bad person. Delaying could portray you as someone who does not have a mind of his own. Delaying to say "NO" if that is actually what you have always intended to say about a particular issue would eventually slow down the decision making process and that would incur great costs.

5. KNOW WHEN TO STOP. In any event of pushing a different opinion or rejecting a proposal or an offer, know that you have limits. Learn when to stop. When expressing your opinion, you do not have to continue speaking endlessly just because you think you have a superior opinion. Speak long enough to be understood but little enough for more to be desired from you. He is not a great speaker who speaks endlessly but one who speaks for the appropriate duration. You do not have to be the person who speaks longest to win the most support for your opinion. Men who speak only when necessary and with few words are always more respected and their opinions more sought after and acceptable.

You are about to enter the best season of your life so far. Enhance your interaction skills and make a better show of your social contracts. You would always have to work with people, as a Boss, as a Board/Committee member, as a Salesman, as a Purchasing Officer, as a Manager of people in various spheres of life. Give attention to these things so that your profiting will appear to all men. You do not have to make an enemy just because you said "NO". You can actually win more friends and increase your sphere of influence. If you have to say "NO" please do it the right way.

YOU WILL SUCCEED.

FOR BOYS ONLY

If you are reading this article I guess you might be a boy, I mean a young man in the making, probably late teenage or just out of teenage. That, actually, is my target audience. If you don't belong to that category, welcome all the same, you might just be helping yourself to some insightful information.

This piece was necessitated by a young man who called me few days ago around 1am. We spoke for over 1 hour. Guess…when a young guy holds someone up for over an hour in the night on phone, it's most likely about "girl" issues. You are not totally wrong but that was just for a few minutes. The main gist was about the relationship between this young boy and his father. They are not getting along well. Too many arguments and complaints from both sides. I am putting up the nuggets I offered him, in case it would help another young guy.

Last Saturday, I travelled for a party with a few friends. My Dad was at that party too. After a while, he asked one of my friends to call me. When I got to him, he asked that we go for a walk. We went for a walk and came back after about 20 minutes. The little time we spent together helped us both to catch up on latest gist about each other - work issues, travel plans, health and a lot of other things. We left the party separately, I travelled back same day. That day, I thought to myself, this could not have happened some five to eight years ago.

Come to think of it, in the process of growing up the period we seem to be most at loggerheads with our fathers is just when we are about to break into that stage when we no longer are boys, but men. Remember the process of molting in insects. It is called METAMORPHOSIS. Simply put, it is transformation. Becoming a man is not a day's job. It takes a lot of hard work.

No responsible father will watch his little giant grow into an irresponsible man. To a large extent, he thinks his own future depends on what and how his son turns out to be. Whether you realize it or not, he is a major stakeholder in your future. He wants to see you succeed as much as you also do.

In this process, we get to disagree a lot, get angry at each other frequently and sometimes we are tempted to think he is an enemy. A father and his young adult son at this time would have differing opinions, different tastes, and different perspectives to life issues and so on. If care is not taken, to handle this challenge with caution, we might become estranged from our fathers.

The best coach a young man can have is his father. It is said that even if a young child has more new clothes than an elder, he cannot have as many old clothes. This underscores the experience which your father has that you do not. When you get to that point where things seem not to be well between you and your father, some practical tips could help. I have tried them and they indeed worked for me.

BE PATIENT. There is nothing you will achieve by heating up the atmosphere. Let your father get as angry as he can get, as long as you remain calm, the situation will not get out of hand. You do not understand him because you two are seeing things from different perspectives. Because of this, you need to be calm at all cost. The metamorphosis must not be disrupted, so there is need for patience. Time is an important component of such transformation. When you jump up you come down, but when you grow up you stay up. It takes time to grow, please allow that time. Be patient. Patient with your father and patient with yourself.

NEVER TALK BACK. No matter how angry you get because of whatever your father does or says, never, never, never, talk back at your father. I mean, never answer him in your fit of anger. Do not say something in your anger that you will have to apologize for when your anger has subsided. To be quiet would be better than raising your voice at your father. There might be a remote possibility that his line of argument is faulty, but even then, courtesy demands you to accord him every respect.

HONOR HIM. The Good Book says to honor your parents because this is the first commandment with a blessing. This blessing is that you would live long. Do not do anything to dishonor your father or put him down. You have to listen to whatever he has to say and always do all that you can to obey his orders. Be careful for the way you present him or talk about him among your peers. If you do not present him honorably, your friends would not treat him as such and I am sure you do not want your friends disrespecting your father.

TRY HIS PERSPECTIVE. Maybe you could come off whatever pedestal you are looking from and try to look from his own perspective. He might be right, but how would you know. Because he has seen more of real life than you, his wealth of experience might just be all you need to ensure a smooth transition into Manhood. A wise man once said "I can see farther because I stand on the shoulders of those who have gone ahead of me". I think that works in real life. When he offers advice, please take them. When he corrects you please try and make amends. It won't hurt to see if his methods can actually deliver the results you want. Do your best to try and look from above his shoulders. Save yourself some stress of trying everything out on your own. You sure can trust that no real father would lead his son astray.

I do not promise a quick fix to the relationship problems between you and your father but I sure know this can be a starting point to making things a lot better between you both. You can bet that he loves you and he wants to see you end up better than himself. It is the joy of every father, including yours, to see his son become greater, better, wealthier and more influential than him. If you are a young lady reading this piece, I do hope it can help you too.

I certainly know you will succeed and eventually make your father proud. That, also, is my dream. I can't afford his death now because he has to live to see the results of his labour. Believe me, it was not easy form him. He almost developed high blood pressure in his quest to see me turn out right.

To my greatest Coach and dearest Father - thanks for all you have ever done for me, the arguments, the fights, the accusations and more importantly the corrections. I am not there yet but I will soon be there. Please hang in till then. I LOVE YOU.